This Is How to Improve Your Sex Life

When we talk about wanting to improve our sex life, most of us instinctively turn to the physical side. But the key to improving your sex life is actually strengthening your mental and emotional connection with your partner. In this blog post, we’ll break down some straightforward ways to build a more satisfying and meaningful sexual relationship.

It’s a common belief that talking about sex openly takes away from the mystery and magic of the moment, but sex and dating coach Myisha Battle says that talking about sex has actually helped her clients get in the mood. Open communication is vital for building trust in any relationship, whether you’ve been doing it for years or you’re seeing someone new.

If you want to improve things in the bedroom, having open lines of communication is the key. Research has shown that being anxious to talk about sex is associated with lower sexual satisfaction. Before jumping into things, talk about what you both like and dislike. Share your desires, fears, and boundaries openly with your partner.

Sharing everything at once is understandably a little bit scary. You can ease into talking about sex by splitting the conversation up. In their book “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life,” sex therapist Vanessa Marin and her husband break it down into five conversations:

1. Acknowledge That You’re Having Sex

This might be the hardest conversation to start, but it also provides the biggest relief. You don’t have to start big; the Marins recommend starting by incorporating compliments into your normal conversation. Something as simple as “You look beautiful today” or “It feels so nice to be in your arms” can get the ball rolling.

These comments serve the dual purposes of making your partner feel good and bringing some flirtation into your everyday conversation. The fun and excitement this will bring to your relationship creates an environment where sexual topics are more comfortable to bring up.

2. Stay Curious

While orgasms are nice, prioritizing emotional connection instead will make sex more enjoyable for both of you. If you’re unsure where to begin, licensed marriage and family therapist Linda Caroll says to start with three simple words: “Tell me more”. She argues that these words are just as powerful and impactful to your relationship as saying “I love you”.

“Tell me more” not only lets your partner know that you are interested in what they have to say, it also says you’re interested in them. Caroll says that a big reason relationships fizzle out is that people start believing they know everything there is to know about their partner, so they stop being curious. If you want to keep the spark alive, it’s crucial to keep practicing good listening.

3. Talk About Your Needs

This part of the conversation is about learning what each of you needs to get turned on. Part of that is also talking about what takes you out of the mood, too. According to the dual control model of sexual response, getting it on is a balancing act between the two.

At any given time, we have lots of things competing for our attention. Some of these help us feel more aroused, while others make it harder to get in the mood. Our libido is like a gas pedal competing with all of the things standing on our sexual brake pedal. Sometimes, instead of revving the engine harder, the answer is to remove the obstacles.

For instance, a sensual massage is a great way to nurture your physical connection, but it might be hard to relax if the bedding isn’t right, or if they’ve been under a lot of stress at work. Any number of things could be on your partner’s brakes, and talking openly about it will help you find solutions that will work for you both.

If you find that a lot is weighing on your partner’s brakes—or on your own, for that matter—there are a few things you can do. First and foremost, talk to your partner about the issue you’re seeing. They can’t help if they don’t know, and neither can you. Talk about how you can share responsibilities to decrease unnecessary stress. Setting aside a moment to eat a meal together or cuddle can bring you closer and help you feel more relaxed.

4. Tell Them What Feels Good

Instead of focusing on things you’d like to be different, Kari Rusnak with the Gottman Institute recommends starting by talking about things you enjoy about the sex you’re already having with your partner. This will help start things on a positive note and help you both feel more relaxed in the conversation.

She says that sharing things that felt good to you in the past is a great way to start discussing your needs. Tell your partner what has worked for you during sex, including things they’ve done and things you’ve discovered on your own. Opening the conversation up to both of your pleasure can help you learn more about each other and talk more in-depth about your desires.

She also recommends having a routine for checking in with your partner about sex. Setting aside a few minutes each week to talk about your intimate connection can make it easier to bring up any issues you might need to talk about. Take it slow, and don’t rush into things. Understanding each other’s needs and fantasies happens gradually, so be patient and open-minded.

5. Explore New Things Together

Now that you’ve covered the basics, it’s time to start exploring. Don’t take everything too seriously. Being open allows you to discover new things together. Sex therapist Janet Brito says that a playful attitude can break down barriers and make things more enjoyable.

One way to start is by making a “Yes/No/Maybe” style inventory for your sexual exploration. Do this by sorting different activities into three categories: things you definitely want, things you don’t want, and things you’re willing to try. You can do this the old-fashioned way with a pen and paper, or use an online inventory like this one.

Brito also recommends couples set aside time for intimacy. Simply put, it’s hard to have good sex when you don’t have time for sex at all. Brito says that at least one hour every week is mandatory to keep the spark alive.

The lead-up to sex starts long before you hit the sheets. By communicating openly, being patient, and staying creative, you and your partner can build a more satisfying and intimate relationship. Keep the love alive, and enjoy the journey together.