How to Have the Sex Talk With Your New Partner

It’s important to have an open discussion with your partner about each other’s sexual needs, but the topic can be hard to discuss early on in a relationship. Join Genevieve Gresset, Master Certified Matchmaker/guest star of Married at First Sight UK, and Heather Drury, Certified Dating/Relationship Coach, as they discuss talking about sex, the when and how of discussing sex, and why this leads to a more intimate connection.

Heather: Like it or not, Genevieve and I both agree that if you cannot talk about sex, you should not be having sex in a new relationship. Let us explain. We’re going to break this down and make it a lot of fun. So between us, Genevieve, I think we’re safe to say and mutually agree that we’ve seen a lot of new sprouting relationships. New couples blossoming, and this topic of discussing sex in a new relationship seems to be something that you and I work with our clients really heavily on, because if you get it wrong, it can actually fail a new relationship. So you and I both mutually agree that if you can’t talk about it, you shouldn’t be having it. But let’s break this down really quickly. Number one, why is this true? What are your thoughts, Genevieve?

Genevieve: Well, I think it’s really interesting. In the 30 years that I’ve been matchmaking and coaching clients, singles and couples. One of the things that always boil down to one of five areas in a relationship, and sex and intimacy is one of those big areas. It’s the first thing that people worry about and it’s the first thing that goes wrong. So one of the things that we always say to people is you’ve got to be comfortable to talk about it and understand your wants, wishes and desires and make sure that you’re mutually compatible in or out of the bedroom.

Heather: Absolutely. Compatibility is so diverse, and there are so many layers. To be able to be intimately compatible, that can happen really, really well with somebody. But it has to be something that you talk about and it can be something that is really exciting and fun. So one of the things that I love to say to my clients is: “Why is this true?” “Why is this important?” It’s because being able to communicate your needs and wants, it actually has a lasting effect in all areas of the relationship, not just sex.

Genevieve: It’s about the intimacy. I think sometimes people misconstrue sex and intimacy because they’re intertwined, but they’re also very different as well.

Heather: So let’s go on to number two. How should you talk about sex before you have sex?

Genevieve: Well, let’s face it, you’re not just there as friends. You’re there because you want a romantic relationship. So I think one of the easiest things to do is if you’re finding that you’re getting more physical and more intimate with somebody, you say, “Let’s just have a chat about what our wants, wishes and desires are. Let’s make sure that we’re allies and and we like the same things before we start exploring them.” It really is that simple. If you feel a little bit shy about it, say to your partner, “I feel a little bit shy about talking about this.” It’s all about being vulnerable in the moment.

Genevieve: Vulnerability is very endearing. It will tell you a lot about your partner, and how your partner responds to you when you talk about sex. Do they completely clam up or they say: “Yeah, let’s talk about it.” Take the bull by the horns and just sit down and have a grown up, sexy conversation. Make it fun as well! It doesn’t have to all be serious in a “Let’s start studying books and have a proper conversation” way. It should be fun. It should be flirty. It should be: “Hey, what are you like?”

Heather: Absolutely. To be able to have that playfulness about such an important topic, what else are you going to be able to talk about? If you can talk about this, you can conquer anything that comes your way in the future of your relationship. This becomes so intimidating to people. What I like to tell clients, and what I think you and I really agree on, is we have this wonderful platform called text messaging. So if you’re a little uncomfortable at first and you want to test the waters, being able to communicate in the written word can help break those boundaries and barriers for you to start that conversation. It might unlock a part of you that you didn’t even know was in there waiting to get out and explore your own personal levels of intimacy.

Genevieve: Oh, it’s so important. I remember one client once saying to me, “Hey, we send each other songs and all of this stuff all the time.” And I said, “Well, why don’t you send the song, Let’s Talk About Sex?” He sent that song and he said “It just broke the ice totally” in a “Have you got something to say to me?” kind of way.

Heather: My final question that I think is so important. You just said “broke the ice,” right? So let’s say that you have a scenarion like this: “All right, fine. I’m going to do it. I’m going to listen to these crazy ladies that are talking about sex and I’m going to break the ice and start the conversation.” What should you look for when you’re opening the lines of communication about sex to make sure that your vulnerability is protected?

Genevieve: You have to be authentic in the conversation and in the communication. Tf there’s anything that you don’t feel comfortable with, don’t feel that you have to just go along with something for the sake of it to please your partner. It’s okay to say: “It’s not something I’ve ever tried before” or “It’s not something I’ve ever thought I’d be comfortable with.” “Let’s just start off here and see where things may take us, these are my boundaries.” Everyone has boundaries. Everyone has a comfort zone that they have with whatever part of the relationship they’re in, whether it’s intimacy, emotional connectivity, etc. But sometimes it’s good to explore new comfort zones as well. If you’re with someone that you feel safe and comfortable to explore with, then it’s okay to explore new things.

Heather: Absolutely! Everybody that’s listening, please pay attention to this. When you’re opening yourself up, you’re opening parts of yourself that are very vulnerable, that costs a lot in the long run regarding overall happiness and your connectivity with your partner. Make sure that it’s the right person. They receive you well, they respond, they don’t say “EW!” when you open up, they lean into it and really pay attention when you’re testing the waters of intimacy. These are real clues into how this person can really connect with you on a meaningful and deep level.