Need to Break Up? Read This Advice from a Dating Coach

Published On: February 6, 2025|Categories: Dating After Divorce, Dating Tips, Heartbreak and Healing|8 min read|

Let’s be real—breaking up is tough. Whether you’re ending a long-term relationship or something new just isn’t working, the breakup conversation can be difficult. No one enjoys it, yet sometimes it’s the healthiest choice.

We’ve all witnessed the emotional fallout that a messy breakup can create, whether personally or through a friend or family member. When you break up with your partner, doing so in a kind way can aid in both of your emotional recovery.

The goal? Clarity, honesty, and respect—without unnecessary drama. We spoke to Certified Dating and Relationship Coach Heather Drury for expert advice on having the breakup conversation. As the Director of Coaching for Love Life Academy, she’s helped countless clients improve their relationship communication skills.

A quote about breakups from Heather Drury, Certified Dating and Relationships Coach. It reads: "Speak your truth with kindness. How you end things says just as much about you as how you started them."

If you’re feeling stuck, here’s how to end things gracefully so both of you can move forward toward a healthier, happier future.

1. Pick the Right Time and Place

“Breaking up in the wrong setting can amplify negative emotions and create unnecessary drama,” Drury shared. “A breakup conversation deserves the same respect as the relationship itself. Choose a private, comfortable space where both of you feel safe to express your feelings openly.”

There’s no perfect time to break up, but some situations are definite red flags for having this conversation. Avoid breaking up:

🚫 Over text or on social media (this is not the time for a status update)

🚫 On birthdays, anniversaries, or right before big events

🚫 In public places where they won’t feel safe expressing their emotions

Instead, choose a comfortable setting where you can be face-to-face. Pick a comfortable place where you can both talk openly. A breakup is an intense emotional experience. The other person deserves a space where they can process their feelings without added pressure.

2. Be Honest—But Not Brutal

Honesty is important, but there’s a difference between being truthful and being hurtful. “The goal isn’t to unload every frustration,” Heather advises. “It’s to communicate your feelings in a way that allows both of you to move forward with clarity and respect. Speak your truth with kindness—because how you end things says just as much about you as how you started them.”

You don’t need to list every single thing that annoyed you in the relationship. Similarly, it’s not helpful to focus overly on the good times if things aren’t working anymore. Instead, keep it clear, kind, and focused on your feelings.

🚫 “You never make time for me, and I don’t feel loved in this relationship.”

“I don’t feel like we’re the right match for each other long term.”

This shift helps keep negative emotions from escalating. It also keeps the conversation focused on moving forward, not rehashing the past.

It’s natural to feel guilty about hurting someone, but staying in a relationship for that reason isn’t fair to either of you. Breakups are part of life, and sometimes, letting go is the best way to make room for something better.

Remember: You’re not responsible for managing their emotions, but you can control how you deliver the message. Stay calm, be kind, and don’t let guilt change your decision. Mental health professionals emphasize the importance of emotional regulation.

3. Avoid Mixed Signals

If you’re ending things, end them. Leading someone on—intentionally or not—can make it harder for both of you to move on. Be firm, and don’t go back on your word.

“One of the biggest mistakes after a breakup is keeping the door slightly open. If you want a clean break, act like it. Mixed signals—late-night texts, social media likes, or lingering check-ins—only prolong the heartbreak. Clear boundaries help both of you heal faster.” -Heather Drury, Certified Dating and Relationship Coach

Other things to avoid are:

🚫 Flirty texts or late-night check-ins

🚫 Saying, “Maybe we just need a break” when you know it’s over

🚫 Acting like nothing happened in front of friends and family

Instead, be clear and firm:

✔️ “I care about you, but I don’t see us as romantic partners anymore.”

✔️ “I need to move on, and I want the same for you.”

If you’re tempted to stay in contact out of guilt, remind yourself that giving them space is the kindest thing you can do. Engaging in an on-again off-again situationship isn’t healthy for either of you.

And absolutely do not go on social media right after the breakup. Don’t start liking their posts, watching their stories, or worse—posting about being single. Give both of you the breathing room needed to truly move on.

4. Listen (Even When It’s Uncomfortable)

“Ideally, a breakup conversation involves more than just your decision. It’s about the other person’s emotional experience, too” says Drury. “Even if you can’t offer the answers they want, giving them the space to be heard is an act of kindness.”

They may feel sad, angry, confused, or even relieved. Allow them to speak, and listen without interrupting or invalidating their feelings.

They may ask questions, but some things won’t have satisfying answers—and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to fix everything but to provide the closure necessary for both of you to move forward.

Even if you feel that the breakup is their fault, avoid blaming or attacking them. Instead of saying “You did this” or “You never did that”, focus on your own experience and why you need to move on.

5. Give Them Space to Heal

Trying to stay friends after you end a relationship usually makes things more complicated, at least in the short term.

“Healing after a breakup takes time, and space is a non-negotiable part of that process. Staying in constant contact might feel comforting in the moment, but it often makes it harder to truly move on. The most compassionate thing you can do is step back and allow both of you to move forward separately.” -Heather Drury, Certified Dating and Relationship Coach

One of the most important parts of a healthy breakup is time to heal. Even if you think staying in touch is helpful, it usually isn’t.

✅ Let them process their emotions in their own way

✅ Don’t rush into a friendship right away

✅ Focus on your own emotional recovery

Both of you need to spend time apart to truly move on. This is so important for emotional regulation, personal growth, and creating space for a healthy future relationships.

Seeing your ex’s posts online can make it harder to heal. It’s okay to take a break from their social media presence. Mute or unfollow them if you need to. Setting digital boundaries isn’t petty—it’s an important part of the healing process.

If you’ve been together for a long time, it can feel strange to suddenly have no contact. But just because it’s uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Sometimes, space is the only way to fully close one chapter and start the next.

6. Be Patient With Yourself

Breakups can be emotionally draining, even if you initiated it. It’s normal to feel guilty or second-guess your decision—but that doesn’t mean it was the wrong choice. When you’re feeling lonely, remind yourself of the reasons you broke up.

“People often rush into a new relationship to fill the void, but the best thing you can do is rediscover yourself. Real growth happens when you take time to reflect, heal, and understand what you truly want in a partner.” -Heather Drury, Certified Dating and Relationship Coach

Many people fear being single, but ending a relationship doesn’t mean you’ve failed—it means you’re making space for something better. Use this time to reconnect with yourself. Enjoy your own company. A healthy relationship starts with a healthy you.

To support your own healing:

✔️ Spend time with loved ones like supportive friends and family

✔️ Try something new—travel, take up a hobby, or explore interests outside dating

✔️ Avoid rushing into a new relationship—falling in love again should happen naturally, not as a distraction

Mental health professionals suggest focusing on self-reflection before entering a new relationship. This ensures that when you’re ready to love again, you’re doing it from a place of clarity and confidence.

Breakups can trigger a rollercoaster of emotions—sadness, frustration, even relief. Journaling, meditation, and mindfulness can help you find perspective and move on with clarity.

Most importantly, don’t feel pressured to “move on” immediately. Some breakups take weeks to recover from, others take months. The point isn’t how fast you heal—it’s how well you do it.

Love will be waiting for you when you’re ready to find it again. Until then, don’t rush it.

Final Thoughts: Breakup Do’s & Don’ts

DO:

  • Choose a private, respectful setting for the breakup conversation
  • Be honest and clear without being cruel
  • Focus on your feelings instead of blaming
  • Allow them to express their emotions and actively listen
  • Set firm boundaries to avoid mixed signals
  • Give both of you time to heal and space to move on
  • Take care of your physical health—exercise, eat well, and rest
  • Lean on friends and family for support
  • Take time for self-reflection before starting something new

DON’T:

  • Break up over social media, text, or in public
  • Sugarcoat or leave room for false hope if you know it’s over
  • Blame, criticize, or rehash past conflicts
  • Keep checking in out of guilt or loneliness
  • Engage in flirty behavior after ending things
  • Rush into a rebound just to avoid negative emotions
  • Post about your single status right away—be considerate
  • Expect to be “just friends” immediately
  • Compare your healing timeline to others—everyone processes breakups differently

Breaking up is never easy, but it doesn’t need to be cruel. A breakup conversation should be honest, clear, and respectful—helping both of you move forward with dignity.

Remember: Ending the wrong relationship opens the door to the right one. And when that time comes, you’ll be in a much healthier, happier place to embrace it. 💙

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