Reading Time: 6 Min.
Date Published: February 12, 2026 10:01 am
Author: Darci Johnson
Article Contents
Imagine you are sitting at the kitchen table, sipping your morning coffee and scrolling through your phone. From across the table, your partner looks up from a newspaper and says, “There’s an interesting article about the local farmers’ market in here. Should we try to go this weekend?”
At first glance, it sounds like a casual question. In reality, something deeper is happening. This moment is a bid for connection, a subtle attempt to build emotional closeness and shared experience.
Bids for connection are the building blocks of emotional connection in relationships. They shape how connected, valued, and understood two people feel over time. Whether you are newly dating or in a long term partnership, these small interactions matter far more than most people realize.
What Are Bids for Connection?
A bid for connection is any attempt to engage another person emotionally, mentally, or physically. These bids can be obvious or understated, intentional or instinctive. They show up in words, gestures, questions, and everyday actions.
The concept comes from relationship psychology research by Dr. John Gottman, whose work on healthy relationship communication has helped define what makes relationships last. Through decades of observation, Gottman found that how partners respond to bids for connection is one of the strongest predictors of relationship success.
In other words, relationships are shaped less by grand gestures and more by daily responsiveness.
A bid might sound like a question, look like a smile, or feel like a moment of shared attention. When bids are recognized and met with care, emotional intimacy grows. When bids are ignored or dismissed, emotional distance often follows.
Why Bids for Connection Matter in Dating
Many people associate relationship skills with marriage or long term commitment, but bids for connection are especially important during dating. Early dating dynamics often reveal communication patterns that persist later on.
For singles dating with intention, bids for connection answer important questions beneath the surface:
- Is this person emotionally available
- Do they notice me
- Are they interested in building emotional closeness
When you pay attention to how someone responds to your bids, you gain insight into their communication style and emotional responsiveness. Likewise, how you respond to someone else’s bids shows whether you are creating space for connection or unintentionally shutting it down.
Dating communication skills are not just about conversation topics. They are about presence, curiosity, and emotional engagement in small moments.
Common Types of Bids for Connection
Bids for connection generally fall into verbal and non verbal categories. Both play a key role in building emotional intimacy.
Verbal Bids for Connection
Verbal bids are spoken or written attempts to connect. They often appear as questions, observations, or shared reflections.
Examples of verbal bids include:
- Asking about someone’s day or emotional state
- Referencing a shared memory from earlier in the relationship
- Suggesting future plans or shared activities
- Expressing appreciation or admiration
- Sharing vulnerability or personal stress
These moments invite conversation and emotional closeness. Even casual comments can function as bids when the intention is connection rather than information.
For example, saying “That reminded me of you” is a bid that signals emotional awareness and interest.
Non-Verbal Bids for Connection
Non-verbal bids communicate connection without words. They are especially important for people who express care through actions rather than conversation.
Common non-verbal bids include:
- Physical touch such as holding hands or hugging
- Eye contact during conversation
- Smiling when someone enters the room
- Sitting close or leaning in
- A quick kiss on the cheek or lips
- Acts of service that show thoughtfulness
Non-verbal bids often go unnoticed even though they carry emotional weight. Recognizing them requires slowing down and paying attention to behavior as well as language.
Responding to Bids for Connection
According to Gottman’s research, there are three primary ways people respond to bids for connection. These responses shape emotional safety and long term relationship satisfaction.
Turning Towards
Turning towards means acknowledging the bid and responding with interest, warmth, or engagement. This does not require a perfect response. It requires presence.
Examples of turning towards include:
- Making eye contact and responding thoughtfully
- Asking a follow up question
- Offering affection or reassurance
- Showing curiosity or enthusiasm
Turning towards strengthens emotional connection in relationships and encourages continued openness. Over time, it creates a sense of reliability and trust.
Turning Away
Turning away happens when a bid is ignored or missed. This is often unintentional and caused by distraction, stress, or feelings of nervous self-consciousness.
While a single missed bid is rarely harmful, repeated turning away can lead to feelings of disconnection. When someone feels unseen or unheard, they may stop reaching out altogether.
In early dating, turning away can be interpreted as lack of interest or emotional unavailability, even when that is not the intention.
Turning Against
Turning against involves responding with irritation, criticism, or dismissal. This response actively rejects the bid and can feel deeply personal.
Examples include sarcasm, eye rolling, or snapping at someone for making a request. Over time, turning against creates emotional insecurity and discourages vulnerability.
How Bids Shape Emotional Intimacy Over Time
Healthy relationships are built through consistent emotional responsiveness. When partners regularly turn towards each other’s bids, they build emotional intimacy and trust.
These small interactions form a pattern. That pattern determines how safe it feels to express needs, share emotions, and navigate conflict.
In struggling relationships, bids are often met with indifference or negativity. Emotional connection erodes, even if practical aspects of the relationship remain intact.
Understanding bids for connection helps explain why some couples feel close even during difficult seasons, while others feel distant despite spending time together.
Using Bids for Connection as a Dating Tool
For singles dating intentionally and seeking a serious relationship, bids for connection offer valuable insight early on. They reveal communication patterns long before commitment discussions arise.
Pay attention to:
- How often your bids are acknowledged
- Whether conversations feel reciprocal
- How emotional vulnerability is received
- Whether connection feels easy or effortful
Likewise, reflect on your own habits. Are you present during conversations. Do you respond thoughtfully. Are you creating emotional safety through consistency and attention.
Dating with intention involves more than attraction. It involves building emotional connection while dating through everyday moments.
Building Stronger Relationships One Moment at a Time
Relationships are not defined by dramatic milestones alone. They are shaped through daily communication patterns and emotional responsiveness.
By recognizing bids for connection and choosing to turn towards them, you actively participate in building emotional closeness and trust. These skills support healthier dating experiences and more resilient long-term relationships.
Whether you are navigating early dating or deepening an established bond, bids for connection remind us that meaningful relationships are built one moment at a time.
