Matchmaking Made Us Better at Dating
At The Matchmaking Company, we talk about dating and relationships all day, every day. From tips for the perfect date spot to the importance of the Three Date Rule, our matchmakers have heaps of wisdom to dole out to our clients.
Not surprisingly, our resident love experts have learned a thing or two about relationships that have come in handy for their own romantic endeavors. Read on to learn how lessons from matchmaking have helped our team have better dates and more fulfilling relationships.
How has working in the matchmaking industry changed your perspective on dating?
Lori M: It’s reinforced that I can’t assume that someone will automatically like me for the way I look or vice versa. My perspective is now that someone must work to get to know what I have on the inside, what I am made up of, and I have to take time getting to know them in return.
Taylor: It has made me thankful that I am no longer single because dating is hard.
Isabel: I’ve learned that a person’s heart truly is everything. While physical attraction and chemistry are important, if you are truly searching for your forever partner, you have to look from the inside out.
A spark can ignite if both parties are open to discovering all the wonderful things about each other. When you’re open to what’s on the inside, you begin to see the person in a different light. Physical attraction can actually increase after you get to know someone, so you really have to be patient and open minded.
Spending time around someone can make them more attractive to you because of how our brains are wired. The mere exposure effect causes us to prefer what, and who, we’re used to. This can promote emotional intimacy and vulnerability, two key ingredients for romance.
Janel: My perspective has changed as far as me knowing how fortunate I am to have my spouse. I see how hard it is for our clients who are dating again after being divorced or widowed. It seems like an overwhelming position to be in, especially if you haven’t put yourself out there in a while. Things have changed a lot over the years, and I have a lot of empathy for those who are learning a new way of dating in today’s world.
Dawn: I am more aware of how people get in their own way at times. As a coach, I see how clients struggle when they don’t open up their parameters enough to meet quality people.
For example, many women don’t realize they are overlooking the majority of men if they only want a tall partner. I recently learned just how few men are over 6 feet tall—it’s only 14.5%! Yet this is a “requirement” for so many ladies out there.
I’ve learned that a person’s heart truly is everything. While physical attraction and chemistry are important, if you are truly searching for your forever partner, you have to look from the inside out.
Isabel, Matchmaker
Jess: I value the male experience and perspective more. I no longer see things as women-only problems. My work as a coach has made me more willing to hear men out about their dating concerns and listen to their experiences.
I also recognize that men and women experience so many things similarly, but we talk about who experiences issues disproportionately. Since working in the dating industry, especially as a coach I have learned to be more open-minded to the “why” behind people’s actions and not assume things.
Has working in the matchmaking industry affected your non-romantic relationships?
Lori M: It’s taught me finally how to build a relationship from the ground up with someone. I traveled for several years during my 20′ and 30’s, so long-term friendships were difficult to maintain. Skills I’ve learned doing this job have taught me how to find my people and keep them close.
Building any kind of relationship takes patience. I use the Three Date Rule for everyone I meet. It’s not only for dating, but also for any “ship”, friendship, family-ship and work-ship.
I try to identify the pillars of a successful relationship I have with everyone I meet. It is allowing me to build different relationships and have appreciation for them all. The introspection helps me to manage them all very well with kindness.
The Three Date Rule can be applied to more than just romantic relationships. Use it to help build connections with new friends, colleagues, and others in your life.
Janel: Working in matchmaking has certainly made me a better listener in many different situations. It’s also to be more patient and compassionate towards the many different people that cross my path.
Dawn: Definitely. Not everyone knows how to communicate effectively, and it can affect their relationships with others. I feel it’s important to share knowledge with those who are open to learning, because I want to see my loved ones succeed in all types of relationships. I have tried to be more mindful of how I communicate and am becoming more direct when sharing my feelings.
Heather: I have learned the importance of setting healthy, clear boundaries. Through my education as a matchmaker and dating coach, I’ve learned that saying “no” to something I am not comfortable with promotes balanced mental health.
Cindy: Working in the matchmaking industry has made me more attentive to managing the dynamics within my close relationships. I’ve learned things like attachment styles, how to express anger, and to be mindful of language. I find it so rewarding to help people I care about navigate their own relationships by identifying triggers and processing emotions with them.
Isabel: It’s helped me to better hone my active listening skills. There is a difference between hearing someone and listening to someone.
Jess: I ask a ton more questions in a genuine effort to understand people. I give people more grace and strive to build connections not based only on my perceptions of the world. I try my best to account for other people’s experiences and why that can cause them to act differently than I might expect.
How has your job made you a better relationship partner?
Heather: After 22 years of marriage and 17 years in the matchmaking and dating industry, I thought I saw it all. And then I became certified as a Dating and Relationship Coach by Dr. Terri Orbuch. I’ve since developed an incredibly meaningful bond with my partner filled with vulnerability and connection.
This industry has taught me to never, ever stop learning about how to improve relationships. Human connection is one of the most complex things. Nothing is more important than improving your relationship with the partner you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with.
Janel: I see things in a different light with this job. I have more compassion and love for the person my partner is. I appreciate the things he likes.
I see the unrealistic expectations clients sometimes have for their introductions. It can come off as self-absorbed to ignore all the great things someone brings to the table just because they don’t meet an arbitrary standard.
I’ve realized how much I do not want to be this way with my partner. He’s just a human being like I am, and there is no perfect person.
Dawn: Coaching has helped me realize no one is perfect. We all have flaws, and it’s okay to say no or to ask for what we need. I’ve learned about implementing healthier boundaries within myself, which helps not to cross other people’s boundaries. Part of this is being more direct so as not to become frustrated.
Isabel: I am now more empathetic to any issue my partner is facing.
Jess: I am not nearly as argumentative. I give my partner space to tell me thoughts and feelings without fear that I will verbally attack. I move towards hearing my partner out, versus feeling defensive or like I’m doing something wrong.
How has matchmaking made you better at dating?
Melyna: It changed my thinking about how love is supposed to be felt. Although I yearn for the fireworks, I understand that the slow fire that starts to burn when you meet someone that matches your soul is what I should go for.
Lori M: In my life I reacted to physical attraction and what people call “chemistry”. Now I know that the electric feeling that can happen between two people doesn’t necessarily mean there’s potential for a long lasting, loving relationship.
Not everyone who is interested in me either means they want to marry me. Overcoming the 1950’s mentality in 2024 is a challenge. The Three Date Rule provides a process to move through phases of being a stranger, then acquaintances, then friendly acquaintances, and so on. It helps you set natural boundaries to learn about the inside of a person.
It’s a fair and honest way to get to know someone. The saying, “don’t judge a book by its cover” is so true. The physical appearance of a person has no bearing on what is inside. The intangible characteristics of a person are what is most important to learn about.
What lessons do you find yourself using most often in your personal relationships?
Melyna: I’ve learned how to ground myself and not love bomb.
Taylor: It’s helped me remember one of the classics: treat others as you wish to be treated. In this industry, you have to recognize that you never know what kind of day someone is having. It’s hard sometimes, but don’t take things personally.
Dawn: I’m constantly using better communication and better listening skills. I like nonjudgmentally repeating back what I am hearing my partner or family member is expressing. This helps make sure we’re on the same page. It’s been the most helpful!
Heather: I have learned and am actively practicing the power of a pause. This means that I let myself think before responding. As a very passionate woman, I previously found myself reacting quickly out of excitement, but this is not always a good thing. I find that pausing, thinking, and giving space for both people to contribute to topics and ideas builds stronger connections over time.
Cindy: My most valuable lesson from working in the matchmaking industry is shifting my approach to personal relationships by moving away from handling them with kid gloves. Witnessing how our clients benefit from tough love has empowered me to apply similar honesty and directness in my relationships.
Isabel: I try to always listen with intent, so that I can fully understand why the person is feeling a certain way and what they are going through.
Working at The Matchmaking Company has taught us valuable lessons about love. Many of us have taken the insights from our work into our personal relationship journeys.
Matchmaking as a career draws dedicated people. While this is a profession, the matchmaking industry offers a bird’s-eye view of dating. This gives us a unique opportunity to reflect and learn from others along the way. Not many careers allow you to focus on how to have great relationships every day. Lucky us!
