On average, short men seem to get the short stick in the dating world, being seen as “lesser than” their tall counterparts. Join Master Certified Matchmaker Genevieve Gresset and Certified Dating Coach/Matchmaker as they advise a man’s dating dilemma of being rejected based on his physical appearance.
Heather: All right, Genevieve, I’ve got a hot burning letter. A person online needs some help, so you and I are going to share this letter together. This is the first time we’ve both read it and let’s pick this person’s journey apart and try and offer them some support. Okay? there we go.
Genevieve: Okay, I’m a little bit nervous about this.
Heather: Let’s dive right in. So the letter is from somebody online and they start with: “I am a 32-year-old male who is five feet, six inches tall and roughly 125 pounds. Throughout my life and currently I face depression, anxiety, and lack of self-confidence due to being rejected continuously for something that I do not have control over and my size.”
Heather: Okay, push pause. Hang on. What am I reading? What’s going on? Oh my goodness gracious. Well, first of all, thank you for, for asking for help.
Genevieve: Was there any more before we–
Heather: Oh, there’s more. There’s more. But before we go, I just wanna say thank you to whoever you are for just being so vulnerable.
Heather: “I have had relationships in the past. Most were just flings. Two were serious ones, which ended because I basically settled for someone who would accept me at the time, instead of it being someone that I’m compatible with.”
Genevieve: Hmm. That’s so common. You’re not alone. So don’t think this is anything to do with your, your size or anything else. It’s purely, that happens daily, so…
Genevieve: It’s just an every day occurrence, we’ve all done it . We’ve all done it.
Heather: Exactly. No matter the situation. We’ve all thought, you know what, I’m just gonna stop here and stop this whole crazy train of dating because I’m deflated and done.
Heather: He goes on to say: “As I get older, I realize that I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, good for you. I do have standards for women that I would like to talk to, which I often do not adhere to due to the fact that it is very difficult to date at my height at all. I don’t consider myself a bum. I’m ex-military college degree, small business owner, dress nice, good hygiene, yet I still get constantly rejected.”
Heather: “Before I continue, I don’t think that I’m some god of women who doesn’t deserve to have the right to be rejected.” Okay, good. “I know it’s going to happen, believe me. I just fear that my standards may be too high as I want. Someone who takes care of themself is goal oriented, educated, and doesn’t wanna just lay around the house on the phone while the guy pays for everything and does all of the work, which is how my last relationship.”
Genevieve: Oooh, okay.
Heather: “I can do everything that I expect out of a partner as well. To combat my self-esteem issues, I have gone to the gym to try and gain some weight. It’s going on to about three months now. I guess my question is: “How do I go about finding quality women who may be interested in shorter guys?” It seems like the only qualification to date an ice woman is literally just to be tall and nothing else.” Welcome to the day in the life of a matchmaker.
Genevieve: Well, you know, let’s look at, let’s look at average sizes of people, in the states. You know, we, we’ve got the stats.
Genevieve: We know average woman is five foot two to five foot three. So being a five-foot-six male, you’ve got a lot of women to go through.
Heather: That’s exactly right. I love that. So he finally states: “I no longer want to settle for someone I’m not really attracted to, just to avoid being lonely or just because I don’t want to wait any longer. I really want a quality partner. Any suggestions or advice will help. Thanks in advance”
Genevieve: Give us a call.
Genevieve: The Matchmaking Company is waiting for you. We’d be happy to help.
Genevieve: Well, I think there’s a couple of things here, and I don’t know what you think, Heather, but first and foremost, I don’t think his expectations are unrealistic. What he’s looking for, he’s giving off himself. He’s not aiming above him or below him. He wants an equal in life, and there’s nothing wrong in that. And in fact, he’s more likely to have a more sustainable, engaged, long-term, loving relationship by wanting to meet someone who’s on an equal level in all the areas of compatibility that we know work in a relationship. So I think he’s not unrealistic there.
Genevieve: I think one of the things that perhaps he’s setting himself up to fail, is he thinks that no one’s out there. It’s almost like he’s given up by writing this letter. He’s given up on some level, which it’s not the case, right? Let’s look at the facts. We look at this all the time, don’t we?
Genevieve: When we look at height, because we have people that come to us of all heights, all shapes, all sizes, right? And um, I think the average height of a male, it was about five foot eight to five foot nine. So he’s just slightly below average. He’s not minuscule, he’s not tiny. He’s just below the average height of a male. But then when we look at the average height of a female, it’s five foot two to five foot three. So there’s a good three inches or four inches between him and a new lady friend that he wants to make. So I think he just needs to say that he’s looking for someone petite. He doesn’t need to say his height, and I think a lot of men get really hung up on height and women get hung up on height. How many times do we have women who are five foot two? Says to us: “I need a man who is six foot.” It’s my biggest “bug bear” as you know because, why, what do you need it for? It’s really not necessary. And actually I think it was less than 2% of men are over six foot.
Heather: Right. It’s a very small pool.
Genevieve: It’s a very small pool. So you are narrowing your options down when you become heightist. You really do. People say: “Oh, you know, people are sizeist and they’re also heightist. Men are sizeist and women are heightist.” And it’s something we battle, as with every day is realigning expectations. You could be sitting next to someone on the train. You could be sitting in a bar, someone sits opposite you. You have a great engaging conversation, and you’re not gonna get your measuring stick out and pretend you’re Mary Poppins and say: “Uh Oh, you’re an inch too short. I’ve loved talking to you for the last two hours, but it’s not gonna happen. We’re never gonna talk to you again.”
Heather: “It’s never gonna work.”
Genevieve: Once you’re in a relationship, hype never comes into it. I think we’re in this commodity mindset that we feel that we should have all of these things that we look for on our checklist. But actually that checklist is only there to hinder us. It’s not there to help us. So let’s be realistic. What would you rather have? Someone who’s an inch or too shorter, but is an engaging, intelligent, communicative, loving person or would you rather be with someone who’s not that nice, not that engaged, but six foot?
Heather: “Wow. He’s super tall.” I love that too. So as matchmakers, you’re exactly right. When we start working with a lot of females, the qualifier right away is: “I wanna be able to wear my heels. I need a man that’s tall.” And then when we challenge or ask these thought-provoking questions as coaches and we say: “Why? Why, why, why? What does height bring to you? What does height mean?”
Genevieve: And kitten heels are far more comfortable than, than great big six inch heels. Hello? You’re just gonna have, after a few drinks, you’re gonna end up in hospital.
Heather: Yeah, you don’t need broken legs and feet and you know, ankles here. But I think too, you know, You’re right that it’s all about the quality of women that you’re exposing yourself to. Because if height is the number one qualifier, they’re not looking at a long-term connective relationship and have the understanding about what’s most important. So I think that you’re right about, I know we’re being funny here, but having a matchmaker in your back pocket allows you to surround yourself and qualify people that are really looking for meaningful connections. And then the next thing I think, The very first subject line of this letter, Genevieve, is: “Do I have a shot at a real relationship?”
Genevieve: Oh my God, yes. 300%, yes.
Heather: What do we, what do we do to get this guy to stand on his soapbox and ask instead of: “Do I have a shot at a real relationship?” Be able to say: “I am ready and I am excited about a real relationship.” How do we get this guy overcoming this narrative in his head and actually just be confident about who he is, because women are very attracted to that.
Genevieve: Well, it’s all about confidence, and it’s about kindness. Women are looking for very different things in a long-term partner than a short-term fling.
Genevieve: So a long-term partner, the qualities women are looking for, this guy sounds like he has them in abundance. He really does, and I’m serious about calling us because I know that we would have a bucket load of women that would want to meet this guy. Because these men that are kind, that are engaged, that are invested in having a real relationship and are not frightened and are vulnerable enough to go out there and say it my God, they’re gold dust. We know that. And just having that attitude means he’s going to win with this eventually. He really is, and I don’t think he should just settle for anybody. He needs to settle for someone who’s going to love him and appreciate him for what he brings to the table and who he is and who’s aligned with him when it comes to what his long-term goals are.
Genevieve: So, I’m excited for this guy. I really am, but he’s got to believe it himself. He’s got to believe in him and he’s gotta believe in what he brings to the table is very valuable. It really is.
Heather: Right, and I’m gonna give him homework. I’m going to say write down on a piece of paper something other than: “I’m five foot six. Do I have a shot at real love?” Think about and identify the top five traits that are amazing about you. It’s not height. Scratch that puppy out and start anew and fall in love with the things that make you unique. You know, what did we, we just did a video on, um, you know, what makes somebody attractive and wasn’t it sense of humor that studies had found?
Genevieve: Humor is the number one thing. I’ve done a lot of interviews with couples who’ve been together 40, 50, 60 years. And it’s lovely when you’re interviewing people who’ve been together for such a long time. And I always ask the same question: “What’s the number one quality that has sustained your relationship, for the whole of your relationship?”
Heather: What’s the secret?
Genevieve: They don’t say passion. They don’t say sex. They don’t say his height or her size. The number one thing is humor, and the second thing is unconditional love. We just love each other unconditionally. “I’m with my best friend,“ and at the end of the day, if you can say you are marrying your best friend, you’ve got your cheerleader in your corner, and you are a team. That to me is far more important than someone’s height, someone’s size, someone’s job, someone’s car they drive. You know, I call it the “Superficial Ladder.” The only one way off a superficial ladder is you fall off it. The higher the rungs you put yourself on, the further you fall.
Genevieve: Keep it simple. Look for someone who’s gonna be your best friend. That’s all you need to, that’s all you need to find. Find your best friend that you know through good times, bad times, and in different times, and everything else that we go through in life. You’ve got someone that you get on with, you are happy to wake up with, you’re happy to go to bed with, and you are happy to face life’s challenges with. That’s what it’s all about. It’s not about height. It really isn’t about height, and if a woman can tell the difference between a man who’s five foot six, five foot seven, or five foot eight, I’d like to meet her because they can’t, women really can’t. So I’d think he needs to stop tricking himself that every woman’s gonna look at him and think: “Oh heck, he’s five six. I can’t date him.” She’s gonna let her be drawn in by your personality. You know, you’ve gotta lead with who you are, not your height.
Heather: Absolutely. You know, I read a quote the other day, and I’m literally going to put this on my wall at work, at the office is: “Love and a healthy relationship is friendship on fire.” You just painted it exactly that. You know, looking at people that have been in long-term relationships that are happy, they’re not saying: “Well, man, the thing that helped through all of these events in our lives was his height.” NO! So I think that is so wonderful. Genevieve, between you and I, what do we have 50 years of experience combined. We’re giving you hope. Mr. 32 year old, five foot six male, “Do I have a shot at real love?” Genevieve together with me. 1, 2, 3. Yes you do.